Sunday, July 27th 2008, 1:02 PM

When I was about 13 I became suicidal. I just wanted to give up, a lifetime of disappointment, but that is another story. Anyways about the time I gave up, it seemed like others hadn't. I never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts, so noone knew what was going on in my head and soon after I was happy that I had not told anyone because things began happening that made me start wondering whether I was truely sane or not. I began seeing misty figures, especially at night when I was between awake and sleep, a hand reaching forward. I slept with the covers over my head. At my grandma's house shapes would hover over the bed. I would hear my mother call my name but when I came to her she had not called me. One night we went to my Aunt's Burthday party. there was a lady there that I did not know, but my family knew her. She seemed to know me well enough though because when I came by she would say something about me such as, "you have a love for the arts don't you," or when I declared that I would not go near the karioke machine, she declared back, "Oh I see you up there all night." (and by the end of the night I sang almost every song.) However this lady weirded me out, I felt her eyes on me all night, you know that feeling when you are being watched. After lots of singing I sat down next to my mother, the lady directly across from me, my aunt to her side. We sat and chatted and then my Aunt and Mom decided that they needed to head to the bathroom together (no I could not go, girl talk) and I was left alone with this woman. She took one deep look at me and said. "you are not going crazy...those things you see.... it is your uncle and your guardians (angels)... they want you to know that they are here for you." Now as a quick back story, my relationship with my Uncle was a rather close one. He was my father figure figure, I lost him at 11. She told me that my uncle sat beside me and my guardians all around. She said I was rare or lucky, I had many guardians around me, she felt that they were there from my past lives. She said she could see my lives in my eyes, like little stars, I asked her about them, but she said I was too young to know, I have never stopped wondering what she did not want to tell me, past lives intrigue me and I know nothing of mine. She then said that I reminded her of herself. The scared child not understanding why I could see things that others cannot. She said I was old enough to make the choice to block them or allow them in. So I spent some time trying to allow them in, Seeing shapes trying to form, hearing their whispers while I am between awake and sleep. Then one day my friends (eventually I confided in them) let out my secret of suicidal thoughts to a school counciler . They were worry because I hadn't came to school one day. I was put into a treatment center and when I let my abilities slip.... My medication dose went up higher and I was always asked... "Do you still hear voices." Survival kicked in, where were these shapes and these voices when I needed them the most? And that was when I blocked them. Well the best that I can block them. They still have not given up on me. I feel them when they want to be seen and I hear then in between sleep, but they are muffled. And now that I am a mother I fear that I will allow something bad in if I do open up. At the same time curiousity kills the cat. I wonder what they want to tell me, what they want to share. First step... get over my fear.